Maxim magazine has issued a formal apology to the Black Crowes after printing a dismal review of their upcoming album, written by a writer who hadn’t heard the entire album.

Maxim gave the Crowes’ new album, Warpaint, a rating of two-and-a-half stars out of five.

The band — fronted by Kate Hudson’s ex-husband, Chris Robinson — flipped out, and posted on their website that the writer certainly could not have heard the whole album, as advance copies have not yet been released.

The Crowes’ manager, Pete Angelus, said the magazine explained that its review was an “educated guess.” This is terribly amusing to me, as the Crowes have currently released only one track off the album. Yes, folks, one track. So, I mean, the rating wasn’t based on, like, listening to half the album. The rating was based, I take it, on the “educated guess” that any album put out by the Black Crowes at this point is just gonna suck.

Maxim editorial director James Kaminsky responded Tuesday with this statement: “It is Maxim’s editorial policy to assign star ratings only to those albums that have been heard in their entirety. Unfortunately, that policy was not followed in the March 2008 issue of our magazine and we apologize to our readers.”

This is all too funny to me.

Please, please say you can.

How about four?

Mischa Barton was slapped with four misdemeanors on Tuesday, stemming from her DUI arrest late last year.

Mischa was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs, driving while having a 0.08 percent or higher blood alcohol level, driving without a valid license and possession of marijuana (28.5 grams or less).

She’s scheduled to be arraigned on Thursday.

So I ran into an old high-school classmate at a party a couple of months ago. I hadn’t really seen her since high school. She’d married her high-school sweetheart after nearly a decade of dating, but the marriage itself was short-lived; they separated after only two months, and decided to make the split permanent soon after. She’d ended up getting an annulment just weeks before I saw her, and, after downing an entire flask of vodka in one swig (very impressive), she bemoaned the absence of a spot for annulments on the “Marital Status” field of assorted forms. “They have ‘single,’ they have ‘divorced,’ they have ‘widow,’” she complained. “Why isn’t there an ‘annulee’ field? I’m not a divorcee, I’m an annulee!” I dunno, maybe you had to be there — or maybe you had to be there with vodka — but we laughed for like 20 minutes about that. Maybe because, in a situation like that, there’s not much else to do but laugh your ass off with the people who knew you before life became so complicated.

Anyway.

Pamela Anderson is tired of being a divorcee and ready to become an annulee. She’s filed for an annulment of her marriage to Rick Salomon, citing “fraud” as the reason, with no further explanation.

This oughtta be good.

Madonna’s new album has an official title: Hard Candy, which is totally a ripoff of that Counting Crows album, IMHO.

The album’s release date is set for April 29, with the first single, “Four Minutes to Save the World,” being released at the end of March.

Check out Janet Jackson performing “Feedback” on Good Morning America.

This is, like, the most boring song ever. The only good part comes at 2:30 when she sings the line “My swagger’s serious / I’m heavy like a first-day period.” Seriously, I will listen to this song over and over again just for that line. Will someone graduating high school this year please make that their senior yearbook quote? Please? For me? I totally would have done it for you. If I’d ever been a senior in high school. Which I wasn’t. Because I dropped out after sophomore year. And look at me now, motherfuckers!!! You all thought I’d end up flipping burgers, but instead I run a celebrity gossip blog whose primary source of traffic is people searching for “Lindsay Lohan naked” on Google Image search. So put that in your fancy high-school-graduate pipe and smoke it.

But I digress.

Also, I have to hand it to Janet: that outfit is a phenomenal I’m-hiding-the-weight-gain ensemble. Jessica Simpson’s stylists should take note.

Honestly I had hoped to avoid bringing you this story — it bores me to my core — but there’s really not much else going on today, so the gossip world has hurled itself into this Naomi-Campbell-has-a-cyst story.

Yes, it’s true.

Naomi Campbell had a cyst, and it’s been removed.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines “cyst” as “an abnormal membranous sac containing a gaseous, liquid, or semisolid substance.”

I know you guys are thinking the same thing I am: They took out Naomi Campbell’s entire brain?

“I cannot reveal what Naomi had, nor how serious her condition was, but I can say I operated on her yesterday, that everything went smoothly and that she is completely cured and walking in her room,” said the doctor in Brazil who operated on her.

Ugh, I have a cyst, too. Its name is Naomi Campbell. Can someone in Brazil please remove my cyst and then issue a fucking press release on a slow news day?