First off, I have to express my thanks to Lars and Evil T. They have been amazing about posting and staying on top of things as I have moved seamlessly from one personal crisis to the next this month. They no longer work for me and I no longer pay them, and they have been doing this purely out of love for me and all things gossip, and I am immensely grateful.

That said, when I saw T’s post about Angelina Jolie’s baby bump, my reaction was the same as some of yours: this is sooooo Photoshopped. That is the fakest-looking damn baby bump ever. I was like, “Where the hell did T find that ridiculous fake photo?” After some research, I discovered the answer: she found it using the WireImage subscription I had specifically instructed her to use.

Yes, folks, that’s a real photo.

To drive home the point, I’ve included here several additional photos from the same event.

She’s either pregnant, or she has the most unfortunate tumor I’ve ever seen.

This song took home the Oscar, and I have to say I was absolutely taken with this little ditty when I saw the film. It’s so simple and beautiful.

I just had to post it.

Above you’ll find the Oscar presentation for Best Picture, and, after the jump, more clips from the second half of the show.

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I know I’m like a full day and a half late with this news but, in case you haven’t heard, I have cholera.

I am currently going through a rare and precious period of consciousness, so I’m trying to get you guys all caught up with the important things in this world, like Britney Spears, before I fall back into another 24 hours of weird cholera dreams. Seriously, are dreams extra weird when you have cholera? I am having the weirdest dreams, and I’m having a LOT of them. I think it’s the special kind of dreaming you do before you die of cholera. I want to write a book of poetry about the dreams I am having lately. I want to call it “Dreams You Have Before a Painful Cholera Death,” but I think Jewel already used that title.

Anyway, Brit-Brit got to spend three glorious, closely-monitored hours with her two sons in her Studio City home on Saturday.

No one was hospitalized as a result, and thus the endeavor was considered a glowing success.

I mean, is it just me, or did she look ooooold at the Oscars? Is Harrison Ford contagious? Does anyone who spends too much time around him just get old?

Remember when she was that perky, quirky Ally McBeal? When she barely seemed old enough to have gone to law school? Was that fifty years ago? Did we even have color TVs back then? Who were her co-stars? Mickey Rooney and Shirley Temple?

I’m such a bitch.

In my defense, though, I have cholera. I mean, based on the cholera research I’ve done during the past five minutes, I’ll probably only survive a few more hours. Still, though, I bet I outlive Calista.

Can you believe this little bitch got a front-row seat at the Oscars?

Stupid hooker.

I do love the dress, though. It’s not exactly a traditional Oscar dress, and I give her props for having the guts to wear it, especially since she’s got no fucking business being at the Oscars anyway. It reminds me of, like, an ancient Japanese tapestry or something.