TMZ.com is reporting that the masseuse who found Heath made four calls to Mary-Kate Olsen before calling 911.

The total time elapsed between the first call and her actually calling someone who could help? Nine minutes.

What.
The.
Fuck.

WTF?? What is that? Nine minutes? Who the hell figures they’d better call someone else before emergency services? I mean that’s just kooky talk.

This just hammers home the point that I set out to prove when I filled in for the Beet this week: The Olsen twins are the devil.

If I ever get rich enough to build my bunker I’ll never be seen again.

I’ll establish a par level with pizza hut, so when I get below 20 piping hot delicious pizzas they’ll know to deliver me more through my super secret underground pizza tunnel.

What I won’t do is hit up Rite-Aid EVER again. In fact, I’ll loose my Doberman on anyone who mentions Rite-Aid in my presence. THAT will be how I do it.

Anyway, I bring this up to announce two things which the evening in pictures brought us. First off, Brit has a new assistant. I can’t imagine how you get that job. Monster.com? What would your skill set be? I imagine the listing would look like this:

**JOB POSTING**
Do you like traipsing around LA at all hours of the night while people follow you? Are you able to juggle six sorts of crazy? Don’t mind getting your picture taken? Then we’ve got the job for you! Join Britney for 72 hours of employment starting NOW! Skill with children no longer required!

Here’s a pic of the unfortunate soul: (if you’re curious Britney is pointing towards the spaceships she sees)

The other thing I would do if I had oodles of money is have people do my bidding. For instance I’d hire you just to buy me socks or something. That would be your full job. You’d have a credit card just for that. Argyle ones.

But here is Brit buying makeup with CASH MONEY.

In a way this is sort of good. That’s $40 that won’t be going to crack! Yay!

There are a lot of times in life where someone shows you pictures of their kid and you think “yeah, whatever.”

But in this case Jennifer Garner has a legitimately cute daughter. So we’re running with that angle.

“Simon didn’t come down on me like I thought he would, so that’s always good, because he goes down on just about everybody.” — Paul Stafford, American Idol

Not even going to comment on this one. Speaks for itself.

For more Reality “Stars” hilarious quotes check out our friends at Jossip.

Via my favorite thing to do when I am at temping…YouTube… the trailer for “Get Smart.”

I have to say I am excited for this movie. I used to watch the TV show on Nick at Nite. It looks well-done and The Rock is in it so really…how can you go wrong?

Anyway…for your procrastination pleasure…”Get Smart”…with Spanish Portuguese subtitles…cause that’s how the T rolls.

Here are the new Bond girls for “Quantum of Solace” Olga Kurylenko and Gemma Arterton. They are following in the footsteps of some stunners (I take out Denise Richards…cause that was just…sad) so what do you think?

Are the Bond girls liquid sex or just booorrrring?