Okay, look, I thought he was sober these days. But you have to be pretty fucking high to wear that thing as a straight man.

Bob Downey and his wife Susan had dinner with Matt Damon and his stupid unfamous wife-who-should-have-been-me, Luciana Boring-oso, at Quattro Gastronomia Italiana Restaurant in Miami.

I would not want to eat at that place. “Quattro Gastronomia” sounds like an intestinal disease, not a restaurant. Here it is used in a sentence: I hope Luciana Boring-oso gets quattro gastronomia and has to be hospitalized for the rest of her life, so Matt Damon can be mine.

Brandy won’t be charged in that little fatal crash on the 405 last year.

“After conducting a thorough investigation, which included consulting with some of the top accident reconstruction experts in the country, city prosecutors concluded that there was insufficient evidence from which a jury could find Ms. Norwood guilty of such a charge beyond a reasonable doubt,” Los Angeles City Attorney’s spokesman Frank Mateljan said.

If convicted, Brandy could have faced up to a year in jail.

However, the relatives of Awatef Aboudihaj, the woman who was killed in the crash, have filed a $50 million wrongful death lawsuit against Brandy. That issue has yet to be resolved.

27 Dresses is getting crappy reviews — although Heigl herself is said to be “terrific” — and the film is expected to do poorly when it hits theaters.

A tired pastiche of the 27-odd wedding-themed vehicles that preceded it, the film essentially slaps together all the stuff that worked so well the first or second time around, minus any of the original charm or verve.

That it manages to function at all is mainly Heigl’s doing, but judging from the half-empty theater reserved for the picture’s post-Christmas sneak preview, even her fans might get the sense that they’ve walked down this aisle many times before.

Maybe it’s not time to quit smoking just yet, Katie.

Letterman’s reached a deal with the WGA, and will be returning to television next Wednesday.

The Writers Guild of America called its pact with Letterman’s production company, WorldWide Pants Inc, a sign of union readiness to negotiate a deal with major film and TV studios to settle Hollywood’s worst labor crisis in 20 years.

The WGA said its “comprehensive agreement” with WorldWide Pants included provisions to pay writers for work distributed over the Internet — presumably covering the large assortment of advertising-supported video clips of Letterman’s show that CBS posts on its Web site.

Conan — who’s with the same production company — will be coming back, as well.

Britney hit up the Virgin Megastore on Sunset on Friday.

She also showed the paps a ring of some sort, ostensibly to fuel rumors that she got hitched to Sam Lutfi or some shit.

Oh, shut up, Britney. You’re so insane it makes me want to take anti-psychotics.

Fergie’s rocking that engagement ring all around town.