Honestly, it looks like Edie Falco was out walking her dog in Chelsea and happened to saunter past the premiere of Romance & Cigarettes, and the photogs were like, “Edie! Edie! Over here! No one else even remotely famous showed up! Let us take your picture!” And Edie, against her best judgment, allowed them to do so, her doggie doo clean-up bag still in hand.

Seriously.

What the fuck is this? I’m not going to bother pointing out all the things wrong with this ensemble, but I feel obliged to mention that the pants aren’t even ironed.

These things are dropping faster than Britney’s panties.

We just got Britney’s first new single, “Gimme More,” and on its heels comes another one, “Cold as Fire.” You can check it out on the player below.

And, once again, because I’m awesome, I transcribed the lyrics for you guys. There were a few in there I couldn’t quite catch, so let me know if you have any idea what the hell she’s saying there.

And: vote on your favorite of the new Spears singles!

Yeah, yeah …

I’m just a girl with the ability to drive a man crazy
Make him call me mama
Make him my new baby

New and improved and saying thank you very much
[something something] you can look but don’t touch

‘Cuz I’m cold as fire baby
Hot as ice
If you’ve ever been to heaven this is twice as nice

Break it down

You’re foolish [something something] and handling my business
Holla if you hear me
Can I get a witness
Preacher, preacher, I’m the teacher
You can learn
Watch your fingers boy
You might get burned

‘Cuz I’m cold as fire baby
Hot as ice
If you’ve ever been to heaven this is twice as nice

Break it down

As you can see
Fortunately
I’m cold as fire

Make you believe
Make you stop and breathe
I’ll take you higher
I’m just too cool
[ can't understand a word of this line ]
I’m hot as ice now
Make it feel like heaven
Twenty four seven
I’m twice as nice now

Cold as fire baby
Hot as ice
If you’ve ever been to heaven
This is twice as nice
Break it down

Has anyone actually watched this show?

It’s like they secretly bred the best characters from Laguna Beach and The Hills, put them through a rapid aging process, and moved them from the classified government lab in New Mexico to Southern California. Then they brought in film crews.

And I’m not just talking about bitchy personalities and blonde hair. The facial structures are the same. The mannerisms are eerily similar. These people look alike, in a way that is not sufficiently explained by the fact that they all grew up in Southern California. I’m from SoCal, and, yes, everyone looks alike, but not this much alike.

I have taken the time to create some detailed mathematical equations explaining how all this is possible. Please observe.

So? Am I right or am I right?

Okay, I’ll admit I tuned in to watch Perez crash and burn. He wasn’t awful, although he’s still a long way from being really comfortable on camera, but I had no idea I’d be treated to the rap stylings of Jason Wahler, Kendra Wilkinson, Shar Jackson, Countess Vaughn and Sebastian Bach.

Kendra was adorable, per usual, but she can’t rap worth a damn. The judges went easy on her because Hef was watching from the balcony, looking rather concerned for her, and none of them wants to be bumped off the Mansion’s party invite list. PMOY Sara Jean Underwood was there with her, but Bridget and Holly were nowhere to be seen. Hmmm.

Jason Wahler was awful.

K-Fed ex Shar Jackson was awesome. I was so happy for her.

Sebastian Bach is a gigantic tool, and he didn’t rap so much as he growled. But he growled well, and of course he’s a genius on the stage.

The real gem of this show is Da Brat, as a judge. She honestly made me laugh out loud on several occasions, and I basically never do that when I’m alone.

After Jason Wahler’s pathetic showing, she was like, “No wonder Lauren dumped your ass,” and after Shar Jackson rocked the house, she was like, “I know your kid is at home like, ‘At least my mama know how to rap.’”

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Anyway, I probably won’t be tuning in again, but I just thought I’d let ya’ll know what happened so you don’t have to bother watching it yourselves. Not that you would. Because you probably have real lives. Unlike me.

Thus begins the much-hyped Britney Spears comeback single, which hit the web tonight. It’s called “Gimme More,” and you can listen to it on the player below.

Because I’m wonderful, I transcribed the lyrics for you guys. They’re actually kind of interesting. It comes off as a great big “fuck you” to the general public. Like, “You wanna know why I’m crazy, guys? Because you fucking love it when I’m crazy. I do this for you.”

All in all, it’s a good dance track, and the remixes will be off the hook, but I don’t know if it’ll be enough to relaunch her career.

It’s Britney, bitch
I hear you
And I just wanna dance with you

(laughs)

Every time they turn the lights down
Just wanna go that extra mile for you
You got my display of affection
Feels like no one else in the room

Working me down like there’s no one around
We keep on rockin
Cameras are flashing while we’re dirty dancing

They keep watching
Keep watching
Feels like the crowd is saying

Gimme more

Center of attention
Even when we’re up against the wall
You get me in a crazy position
If you’re on a mission
You’ve got my permission

Working me down like there’s no one around
We keep on rockin
Cameras are flashing while we’re dirty dancing

They keep watching
Keep watching
Feels like the crowd is saying

Gimme more

I just can’t control myself
They want more
Well I’ll give them more

Gimme more

It’s a strange world …

Gimme more

Male voice:

Man. That was a really weird few months. But now that all 82 minutes of her jail stay are behind her, Nicole Richie seems once again to have warmed to her old pals, the paparazzi.

A preggers Nicole and her rumored fiance Joel Madden just happened to be posing adorably in Central Park when some photogs wandered by. What a coincidence!

Also: it looks to me like Nicole roots are dyed again. She let them go for awhile — we all figured it was because hair dye isn’t recommended for pregnant women — but I guess now that she doesn’t have to look like a responsible mom-to-be to avoid jail time, she’s back to focusing on being a hot mom-to-be.