Mr. Wentz turned 28 on June 5, and celebrated the occasion at Angels & Kings in NYC, with girlfriend Ashlee Simpson close by. No one else particularly famous was there, unless you count Tila Tequila (and I don’t).

Thankfully, someone thought to mug at least one of them at knifepoint.

As if Paris and Nicky weren’t enough Hilton spawn for one planet, it turns out there are two other Hilton chidren, younger brothers Barron and Conrad, neither of whom are legally allowed to be in drinking establishments. I’ve actually been peripherally aware of the existence of these two for awhile, but, in the shadow of Paris and Nicky, it’s almost like they can’t possibly be real. Like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s older brother and younger sister; these people can’t actually exist. Until, you know, they get mugged at knifepoint.

WHILE PARIS Hilton was sneaking into prison in Los Angeles in the wee hours of Monday morning, her younger brother, Barron, was getting mugged at knifepoint near Penn Station.

Barron, who is tall and blond and believed to be 18, had shown up earlier at Stereo on West 29th Street with three male friends and two girls. “They were all underage and they hung around for a while trying to get in the club,” said an eyewitness.

“They were waiting outside Stereo. Eventually they all left together at around 4 a.m.

“An hour later, two security guards from Stereo were driving by Penn Station on their way home and they saw Barron and his friends. Then they saw two muggers confronting the group, and they all got out. One had a knife and was trying to get money out of the kids.

“One guy had Barron at knifepoint, and the guards got out and chased away the guy with the knife. The attackers didn’t get any money,” said the witness.

“Eventually Barron and his friends all piled into a cab.” The insider added that the guards recognized Barron because “he tries to get into Stereo all the time.”

Ha. Clearly he’s trying to follow in his sisters’ footsteps. I can’t wait.

Cuba Gooding Jr went from “Show me the money” to “Show me the tourniquet” last Monday, when his quick action helped save the life of a gunshot victim at Roscoe’s in Hollywood. Hey, Popeye had his spinach; Cuba has chicken and waffles.

The 39-year-old Oscar winner was waiting in his car outside a Hollywood restaurant “when he heard four gunshots,” says a source.

“Cuba was picking up dinner for his family on the night of Memorial Day,” says the spy. “He saw a young kid holding his head and walked toward him. The kid was bleeding from his neck and collapsed.”

Gooding cradled the victim, described as a man around 20 years old, and called into the restaurant for towels. “They came out with paper towels and he said, ‘No, we need real towels!’” says the source.

The actor stemmed the bleeding and hailed a passing police car. He waited on the scene until an ambulance arrived.

Cuba’s rep confirmed the story. I think what’s really cool about all this is that it happened a couple weeks ago, and we’re just now hearing about it. It’s not like Cuba immediately got on the phone with his PR girl, like, “Hey, I just saved a dude’s life! Get the AP on this stat!” Instead, it probably leaked through someone at LAPD or someone else on the scene who wanted Gooding to get some credit for his actions, but Gooding himself is content to save a life just for the sake of saving a life. How novel and refreshing!

Those bastards at People Magazine must never rest. Either that or they’re building a facial identification system the likes of which conspiracy novelists have only dreamed of.

Either way, Jen’s new beau has been revealed. He’s a British model and his name is Paul Sculfor. I should note that the picture is probably a few years back, he’s 36 now.

He’s described as a:

“Lovely guy. A gentleman. Simple things, like opening doors, he does all that. He’ll think of the woman before himself.”

I would be remiss if I didn’t throw the Chinese fortune cookie joke “in bed” after that last comment. But, how hard would it be to treat Jen like a queen? I would do it. She’s a bazillionaire. She’s hot. She seems fairly pleasant given the interviews I’ve seen. I’ve never met her, but I wouldn’t mind, and if we dated I would open the doors – provided she didn’t have servants or ultra cool modern technology doors that opened themselves.

Oh, Paul is in this YouTube clip too, with mermaids. I don’t think it shows much besides his chest but we aim to please here at Beet central.

What could possibly be a bigger deal than the Oceans 13 Cannes premiere? Well, nothing, really, but they held a Hollywood premiere anyway. Brad and Angie were there, of course, looking stunning and happy and successful and in love, and making the onerous futility of your own existence crystal fucking clear. Matt Damon was there with his wife, Luciana Barroso. Look, Matt, I am so much hotter than your wife. I’m sure she’s a very nice girl, but, fuck, dude, give it a shot with me for a week or so, okay? Tara Reid showed up — not that she’s in the film or anything — and actually looked quite nice. Cindy Crawford and Randeeeee Gerber were there (honestly, who the hell spells it “Rande”?), as well as Al Pacino. George Clooney brought his mom as his date. That is like the cutest thing ever. Keep me in mind next time, Georgie. I’m younger and tighter, but I’ll admit I don’t have the same number of hours logged in the bedroom.

Brooke Hogan is like our nation’s self-appointed ambassador of White Trash.

Think this all the way through with me people. This either went one of two ways:

1) Someone took the time to stencil and cut out pants that look like that. Then, Brooke Hogan saw them and was like, “I would like to be seen in those pants, preferably in front of an enormous number of my fellow human beings.”

OR

2) Brooke Hogan was like, “You know what I need for my show? Jeans, but without the entire top. Like, I want everything below the knees to be there, but for the top part I would just like to be wearing underwear. Then I will go on stage in front of lots of people and make sounds come out of my mouth while wearing them and behave as though there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way I am dressed. Can someone make that happen for me?” And THEN someone was like, “Yes. I will participate in such a monstrosity.”

Either way. Fucking kill me now.