Denise, your kids hate this shit.

Seriously, Denise, your kids hate this shit.

Stop. It.

Okay, so remember that girl you knew in college who got the word “love” tattooed on her hip in Chinese? Except what it really said is “I’m a neutered goat”? I know you knew at least one. I knew three. Maybe you even were that girl.

So Cameron Diaz goes hiking around Machu Picchu this week with a super-cute bag with a pretty red star and some fabulous Chinese writing that I’m sure she thought said “faith and love for all.” Except the Chinese writing actually said “Serve the People,” and, combined with the red star, she may as well have stuck Mao Zedong’s face on her T-shirt.

The ringing endorsement of Red China didn’t go over so hot in Peru, where the Maoist insurgency in the 1980s and early 1990s resulted in 70,000 rather brutal deaths.

Of course Cameron didn’t do this on purpose, but it seems to have offended a fair number of Peruvians.

Seriously, people, if you need another reason not to wear any words written in a language you don’t speak, look no further than Engrish.com’s clothing section. Any of you English speakers who have lived in Asia can appreciate how ridiculous it is to see an eight-year-old boy wandering around with an ice-cream cone and a T-shirt that says “Kill me now I want to die.” I’m still kicking myself for not taking a picture of that shit …

I stood up for her for a long time, saying she was naturally thin, but I think even I have to back down now. These pics were taken at Mansion in Miami late last night. She pretty much looks like a bobble-head doll. She was not this thin on the show, you guys. She was thin, but not anorexia thin. This is anorexia thin. She has definitely lost weight since, which seems impossible, considering how damn thin she was to begin with. Oh, Jaslene!!! We can never have our torrid lesbian love affair if you get all ED-ugly. Please eat and be pretty and adorable and cha-cha diva again!!!

Well, if anyone should be shooting up heroin, it’s probably Angelina Jolie, because Lord knows she has thick enough veins. The Skid Row crew is super jealous.

Anyway, we’ve heard talk over the past few months of Angie’s rapid weight loss and her atypically rude behavior toward reporters, but people have seemed generally to attribute it to the stress of coping with her mother’s death. Now, Ted Casablancas tells a different story in this thinly veiled blind item:

Some people love Fake-à-la Ferocity…the rest live to hate her. This do-it-all diva, known to dabble in everything from fab sex to fabber shoes, has her hand in purty much everything these days. Endorsements. Charitable endeavors. Entertainment projects. You name it. And all the wowin’ while, Fake-à-la manages to look super-duper delish in the process. Well, she used to, at least.

Lately, F2′s once enviable bod has changed for the worse. And her hunky man isn’t the only person concerned about the once divinely gifted babe. Nope, now a very few inside Industry types are also concerned ’bout our gal Fakey.

See, F.F. has enjoyed a fairly good reputation in the media and rags…until recently. She’s known for being accessible, candid and honest. How very friggin’ heretical here in lip-cemented T-town!

Apparently, Ms. Ef’s hiding one helluva secret. And I’m the bitch to fill ya in on what, exactly, it is that has those select few Hollywood movers ‘n’ shakers so shaking in their Prada wear, regarding Fakey. She’s got what’s known as…a heroin habit.

Well, she’s hardly the first dame in this drug-infested enclave to fall down that slippery alley, right? It’s just, uh, so damn rich to find this out, knowing how utterly benevolent our do-goodin’ broad happens to be as of late.

Gosh, wonder how long before everyone finds out what’s really behind Fake-à-la’s rapidly withering figure? It’ll be “Paris who?” should that happen, trust.

Could it be true? Angelina Jolie on heroin? I don’t know if I buy this, but far be it from me to argue with Ted Casablancas …

Introducing Phoebe Price. If you don’t know her she really is the go to girl for fashion disasters. This girl has been whoring herself out to the camera for years now and the only reason that she gets her picture taken is because she wears things like this. This gold jacket really makes her look like she should be in some Scientology training video. I also love how her bangles match the jacket.

According to Imdb she is an “International Actress and Model.” I really think that should be changed to “Professional Fashion Don’t.” So in the spirit of covering my bases with the fashion disasters of Hollywood in general I present Phoebe Price.

I think it’s probably the former.

That kid must be so comfortable. 11-day-old River Russell Deary goes everywhere with Mom in NYC. I kind of wish they made those things in an adult size, so when my mom’s in town she could carry me around like that. Or my friends and I could just take turns carrying each other around. Like instead of having designated drivers we could have designated carriers. It would be like, “Look, Tiffany, I walked last weekend. This weekend you walk and I get to ride in the pouch. No, I don’t care if your boyfriend said he’d put you in his pouch this weekend. You have an obligation to put me in your pouch tonight. Is that clear?”