Today, “Paris Hilton” issued the following statement. I am certain that Paris Hilton had absolutely nothing to do with this statement, as a) it is spelled correctly and b) Paris reportedly hasn’t eaten or slept since she arrived at the Twin Towers medical facility on Friday afternoon. Various sources have described her as “a train wreck” and “teetering on the brink.” I doubt she’s issuing press statements in her spare time.
“Today I told my attorneys not to appeal the judge’s decision. While I greatly appreciate the Sheriff’s concern for my health and welfare, after meeting with doctors I intend to serve my time as ordered by the judge.
This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. During the past several days, I have had a lot of time to reflect and have already learned a bitter, but important lesson from this experience.
As I have said before, I hope others will learn from my mistake. I have also had time to read the mail from my fans. I very much appreciate all of their good wishes and hope they will keep their letters coming.
I must also say that I was shocked to see all of the attention devoted to the amount of time I would spend in jail for what I had done by the media, public and city officials. I would hope going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things, like the men and women serving our country in Iraq, Afghanistan and other places around the world.”
Ugh. Don’t you get it, Paris? You’re our distraction from the war. We keep people like you in the headlines because we are so, so tired of reading headlines about Iraq. Because genuinely horrible things are happening over there, honest-to-God tragedies — we know that — and it is much, much better to immerse ourselves in your little self-inflicted mini-tragedy.
Paris Whitney Hilton, a nation salutes you.
Image (photoshopped) courtesy of PrettyOnTheOutside.