DUUUUUDE JOE FRANCIS IS SOOOO FUCKED

I’ve wondered time and time again how someone like Joe Francis sleeps at night. I guess I have my answer now: Lunesta. When I heard Francis got his ass caught with drugs in prison — the guards became suspicious after he tried to bribe one of them for a bottle of water — I wondered what it was he had smuggled in. What pill could be worth that risk? Lunesta, it turns out, and anti-anxiety med Lorazepam. There were 16 different pills in all. Turns out tough guy Joe was scared he wouldn’t get his beauty sleep in prison. Francis was charged with bribing a jail guard and having prescription sleeping pills in his cell. The president of his production company, Scott Barbour, brought him the pills; Barbour was charged with introduction of contraband into a detention facility. That’s what you get for being a friend to Joe Francis, buddy. And here’s the thing: I’m sure these white-collar criminal types do this all the time, smuggle cash and sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds into prison. It’s probably par for the course, and the guards probably look the other way. But not with Joe Francis. He just reeks of jackass. They must have been like, “Oh no, not you, buddy. We’re going to make this as hard on you as possible.” And I love that. I want to write those guards a thank-you note. I want to send them flowers and bake them cakes. I want to bake them Funfetti cakes. And I don’t do that for very many people.

But we’re not at the best part yet! The best part requires no additional commentary. I’m just going to let you read what came across the AP wire this morning. I have bolded the only important part.

When he learned of the new charges, Joe Francis waived his right to a bond hearing for the contempt of court charge that had led to his being jailed. Francis cried as his mother blew him a kiss while he was led from a federal court room back to his cell.

“I didn’t do anything,” he told his parents as he was led away.

Awww. Poor baby! Jail is so awful. It hurts and it’s scary and it makes you want your mommy. It’s kind of like being raped by a spoiled, narcissistic, heartless porn magnate, except it’s not nearly that bad at all and this is your fault. Take it like a man, Joey.