Did anyone catch her on Regis and Kelly this morning? She’s still creepily well-spoken, but it’s a little less freaky now that she’s a pre-teen. It was just really, really unsettling when she was, like, 7, carrying herself with more poise and maturity than most of my coworkers (in fairness, I work in software).
In the sick, sick mind of a celebrity gossip blogger, I’m staring at my TV, trying to follow her captivating story about her recent orthodontist visit, and I’m just sitting there thinking “I cannot wait until this girl flashes her coochie.” Not in a because-I-plan-to-masturbate-to-it sort of way, just in a watching-gossip-history-unfold sort of way. I mean, she’s 12 years old now. By the time she’s 15 or so, she’ll probably be Paris Hilton’s BFF, because Lindsay Lohan was 15 when Paris adopted her (this is assuming Paris manages to not OD on cocaine or Valtex between now and then). Then will come the drunken nights at whatever the hot LA club is at that point (let’s call it “Phurie”), and the hordes of paparazzi, and the short skirts and the absence of underwear, and then the holy, holy grail: the Dakota Fanning Crotch Shot.
So I’m starting a pool. $5 gets you in. In what year will we get the elusive Dakota Fanning crotch shot?
a) She won’t hold out much longer: 2007
b) After she needs a bra: 2009
c) During the post-Oscar-win frenzy: 2011
d) At least wait until it’s not kiddie porn: 2012
e) You are a sick, sick woman. Dakota would never do that. She will be a virgin forever and will never drink or use drugs or fall into that Hollywood trap. Also, I’m her mother.
Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments. If you’d like to play, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with your guess, and I’ll tell you where to send the check.