Quick note from the Beet: I apologize for the incredibly slow load times lately. We’re seeing unprecedented levels of traffic, thanks to the whole freakin’ world searching for pictures of Britney Spears’ vagina. Unfortunately, they’re not our servers (but thank you, Google, for letting us use yours for free), so there’s not a whole lot we can do. Hang in there, and I’m sure traffic (and load times) will be back to normal once someone who plays sports does something interesting.

Update: For those of you who have shown up here looking for these pictures, they are here and here. Enjoy! Tell your friends! Masturbate! Vomit! Sigh…

Poor Madonna! First her NBC concert special flopped big time (seriously, it was outperformed by Fox’s airing of Cheaper by the Dozen), and now everyone and their brother wants a say in her adoption of David Banda. On Wednesday, a Malawian judge ruled in favor of a coalition of 67 Malawian human rights and child advocacy groups who want to be party to the assessment of her fitness as a mother.

Madonna stirred up some local controversy when she took Banda to England soon after filing for adoption, when Malawi regulations require that prospective parents undergo an 18- to 24-month assessment in the country.

“I must stress that all along we have not been against the adoption but we only wanted Malawi’s adoption laws clarified and followed to the letter,” said one of the petitioners, a Malawian lawyer and human rights activist. “Today’s ruling gives us the opportunity to clear (up) some gray areas surrounding adoption laws in Malawi.”

At first glance, the implication of this seems crazy: how could this kid possibly be better off in a Malawi orphanage than living as Madonna’s son? But the human rights activists want to protect the process of adoption in their country; if these rules can be circumvented by Madonna, they reason, they can be circumvented by pedophiles and human traffickers. It’s an argument that makes sense, and I’m siding with the human rights folks on this one.

I’m sure this is hell for Madonna, though. I once took my cat, Max, who I found as a stray, to the vet for a routine check-up. The vet found a little chip implanted in him that said he belonged to a different owner. She had to call the owner, and she told me my cat would have to be returned if his original owner wanted him. It took about 20 minutes to get ahold of the owner, who had lost the cat long ago and already replaced him, but I spent all 20 of those minutes crying and being generally inconsolable. It’s a stupid example, I know, but I can’t even imagine the hell it would be to have to go through this with a child. Especially since the government’s first assessment of her fitness as a mother isn’t scheduled until next May. Hopefully this will work out satisfactorily for all parties, and we can return our attention to more interesting matters, like where Britney Spears will next treat us all to a look at her hairless goodies.

Things that happened today without any involvement on the part of Britney Spears’ vagina:

American Idol fourth-placer Chris Daughtrey’s album debuts at #2 on the U.S. charts. [Perez Hilton]

Check out Beyonce’s new video for “Listen,” from the Dreamgirls soundtrack. [popbytes]

Kevin Federline has a thing for women who like the whole world to see their naughty bits. Isn’t that right, Kendra Jade? [Pop on the Pop]

Josh Hartnett’s mystery girl revealed: she’s Amber Sainsbury, who did some show called Hex for 11 episodes in 2004 and is currently co-starring with Hartnett in 30 Days of Night. Also: she’s not as pretty as Josh, which is how I reckon he prefers it. [BWE]

Nick Lachey bought a minor-league baseball team this week. What did you do? [ICYDK]

Matt Lauer named his newborn son Thijs. Pronounced “Tice.” I am supposed to say something mean here (preferably referencing the unfortunately named Paltrow offspring) but I have a fabulous friend at school named Tejs (pronounced similarly), so out of respect for the fact that he did my finance homework all quarter, I just have this to say: Way to name a kid, Lauer! [Cele|Bitchy]

Here is the weirdest interview I’ve seen in a while on daytime.

Click here to see Danny Devito sit on Rosie’s lap like the little elf he is. I guess he also doesn’t like George Bush. But really, who does these days?

Update: What I forgot to mention is that he is wasted. Perez has a funny take on Devito’s rantings. Why is it funnier when a little person is drunk?

Is there trouble is Paris-dise for Britney Spears? After being total BFF for a full five days (which may be some sort of record for Paris), the two were partying separately last night, with Britney treating the world to another unrequested glimpse of her hoo-hoo at a Malibu gas station (class-ay), and Paris hitting up a Volkswagen rager with Nicole Richie.

On Monday, Paris said about Britney, “I love her. She is the sweetest girl I know. She’s so down-to-earth. I just want her to smile and be happy.” Fox had hoped to ride along on their publicity train (and Paris owes them big time, after her feud with Richie cost them a final season of The Simple Life), planning to have Spears and Hilton co-host the Fox Billboard Music Awards, scheduled to air December 4. Page Six referred to the dual hosts as a “black hole of stupidity.” But, alas, Las Vegas may be spared the stunning gravitational implosion of dumb, as Britney pulled out of negotiations at the eleventh hour, failing to give a reason.

Things have not been looking good for Miss Britney lately. After the entire nation acted as her cheering squad when she filed for divorce from Kevin Federline, Brit has squandered nearly all that goodwill in just a few short weeks with an undending series of drunken evenings, allowing the paparazzi to get candids of her lady parts three times in one week, and missing scheduled recording sessions.

The Billboard Awards may have Hilton host solo, or may ask comedian Brad Garrett to take on the challenge.

I used to live in Virginia, pretty close to the PETA HQ. I found them to be kind of freaky, because frankly I find zealots of every stripe to be kind of freaky. Plus my blood thirsty desire for filet mignon was in direct opposition to their desire for me to subsist on a diet of sorghum and wheat germ. So I figured we’d agree to disagree there.

But now they are going after an issue close to Beet territory, women, and the clothing of said women. They’ve named their worst dressed list, and of course it’s all about who is wearing fur. Four ladies take the bullet: Nicole Richie, Ashley Olsen, Christina Ricci, and Eva Longoria. All are chastised for being uncaring little animal killers.

I guess the thing that bothers me is trying to dictate others behavior due to your own personal beliefs. There are things I do that I simply wouldn’t expect of others. For instance, if a spider is in my home I do my best to a) ignore it or b) place it gently outside my home. This is simply because spiders kill other insects which I may like even worse. Now I know some people hate spiders and immediately throw a hardcover book on them. I’m totally cool with that, live and let die and all that. So I just feel like if I say “Ok, don’t kill the Minks” (who are, it must be said, vicious little animals) then next people will be trying to take my Mountain Dew Code Red Extreme SportZ Edition because it’s too eXtreme or sporty for their liking. You get my point, and that’s why I’m calling PETA dumb here.

EvilB or EviltT, if you’d like to tell me why fur is murder and perhaps do the whole “I’d rather be naked thing” I will watch respectfully, promise.