Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Don’t Do It Joey Potter!

We are four days away from America’s sweetheart, Tom Cruise, giving up his flower one more time. This here link from ABC has a delightful sneak peek at the vows which are so awesome they must be broken down. They are as follows:

“Now Tom, girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills. A pan, a comb, perhaps a cat.”

I should mention this is not fake in the slightest, this is what Tom really will say “Hail Xenu” to. A gal needs frills! To quote a British friend of mine “Luvs It!’ Also, perhaps a cat? L. Ron, why not just lay it down, she either needs a cat or she doesn’t man.

Here is what Katie will say “uh-huh” to:

“Hear well, sweet Katie. … For promise binds. Young men are free and may forget. Remind him then that you may have necessities and follies, too.”

Okay, so Hubbard was a writer but he couldn’t quite get the spirit of the word “folly” correct. A girl may be prone to folly, but I’ve never heard of follies. Okay, I just checked it out at Merriam-Webster and although it’s a word I’m still mildly pissed off about the usage. I’d further note that if Tommy is still a young man at the tender age of 44 I look forward to many years of forgetting to buy cats my own self.

If these two crazy kids can’t make it what chance do the rest of us have? The answer, sadly, is none because most of us are kinda-sorta on prescription medication and will never make it to the 42nd level of blinding light or whatever Cruise is up to now.

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