I’m so glad I didn’t run this story the first it happened. Happier still that I didn’t run it the second time it happened. See, folks, it’s not that I find all this business of Angelina Jolie fainting nilly-willy about India to be incredibly, tediously boring, it’s that I was waiting for it to happen a third time. Why take up perfectly good column inches writing about Jolie’s first two utterly irrelevant Indian fainting spells when you just know it will be a way bigger story when it happens the third time?

I am such a good journalist. Good ole’ Angie passed her damn self right out for the third time in India, where she’s been filming A Mighty Heart alongside home-wreckee Brad Pitt, who’s producing the film. Apparently Angelina is just so immersed in the character of Marianne Pearl, who lost her husband, journalist Daniel Pearl, at the hands of terrorists in Pakistan, that she just faints at the thought of a single drop of attention moving away from her and onto the genuinely tragic and terrifying story the film is trying to tell.

Okay, Angie. All eyes on you. Faint away, dear.

Or they bring in Jessica Simpson. I understand that she’s trying to promote her poor-selling album but I don’t think she is really going to be the ratings boost they are looking for. I would bring in Nick Lachey…bring in some teenage girls. I did enjoy Sting and his lute last week, but if they want to really “young” the show up other options could be JoJo, Danity Kane, or Justin Timberlake.

I like Studio 60, and Evil Beet and I both are quite miffed at the switcharoo they are doing with Friday Night Lights. I personally like both shows. I think they are both very innovative television but play to totally different demographics.

Let us see how this little venture goes. I really hope we don’t lose both of them and end up with Who Wants to Date My Cousin?

When Britney Spears gave birth to her latest Federspawn on September 12, we reported that the lucky new Band-Aid for Britney’s gaping emotional wounds was a boy named Sutton Pierce Federline. This week, sources are reporting that the baby is neither a boy nor another SPF, but rather a little girl named Jayden James.

A pal of KFed’s mom says that “Grandma Federline calls the child Jayden.” Now, in fairness, this woman represents one-half of Kevin Federline’s genetics, so I haven’t entirely ruled out the possibility that she forgets her grandchild’s name with some regularity. But she’s not the only one confused.

The photogs at X17 say that, a week after the child’s birth, they spotted Britney’s bodyguard shopping at a kids’ clothing store in Malibu, and buying only pink baby items. Was Brit’s security planning a practical joke for Kevin? Probably not — he wasn’t laughing. X17 explains that they don’t have footage of the event because “Britney’s bodyguard came at our guys, threatening to call the Malibu Police…if they didn’t give him the video tape immediately.”

Jayden is a name of English origin meaning “God has heard,” which seems more like an ominous warning to Kevin regarding his forthcoming album than a proper name for a Spears-Federline bloodline merging, but our best wishes stay with the Federlines and their newborn.

I can’t hate you anymore. I can no longer despise your desperate and embarrassing pleas for attention and publicity. It takes too much energy. So I’ve decided to embrace you, and all the glorious Paris Hilton shit-talking that comes along with you.

The latest stop on Nick’s “Fuck Paris Hilton/Watch My TV Show” tour is Britain’s News of the World, where Carter states that Paris “was a drunken prude who as far as I can see did not really like sex. She relied on drugs and drinks to give her confidence in the bedroom and was more often than not too wasted to even perform. I lost count of the nights I had to pick her off the floor and drag her to bed passed out.”

He accuses Hilton of smuggling drugs overseas, stating that “if she was going overseas, she’d cut a hole in her teddy and stuff it with cannabis. She had to have her own private stash with her at all times regardless of the consequences.”

Continues Carter: “The only thing that made her happy was her own reflection. She spends so much time looking at herself in the mirror telling herself how gorgeous she is.”

Keep it up, Nick. We’re digging it now.