Despite her publicist’s insistence that she does not plan to adopt an AIDS-orphaned African child, Madonna continues her AIDS-orphaned African child sight-seeing tour in Malawi, which I’m told is kind of like an African safari, but, instead of admiring elephants and zebras and leaving them in peace in their natural habitat, you admire human children who have lost any remnant of hope for a life involving love and regular meals, briefly flash that hope in front of them, and then leave with it in a Hummer which, if sold only for parts, could feed and shelter each of them well into adolescence. It’s the next tourist hot spot! You heard it here first!

No, not the “it girl.” Just “that girl.” You know, the one who can’t walk out of the club using her own internal balancing skills, but rather must rely on those of the friends who are propping her up. Check out the video here.

What’s funniest to me is the running ‘razzi commentary. When you watch the videos of Paris or Lindsay, the photogs are always super nice: “Paris, watch out, there’s a puddle!” “Lindsay, hi, you look gorgeous, you look beautiful!” “Paris, how’s your jaw? Is your jaw okay, Paris? Your fans are so worried about you!”

With Avril, it’s just, “Come on, you drunk bitch!”

But I guess Paris has never spit on a photog.

Remember that chick from Whale Rider? She was 13 when she became the youngest-ever nominee for Best Actress for her role in the 2002 film. She hasn’t done much since — a Star Wars film here and there, sleepover parties, after-school sports, get knocked up by her 19-year-old boyfriend. You know, the usual kid stuff.

• Brad and Angelina are forced to exercise amongst the unwashed masses, despite their earnest pleas to be spared such indignity.
• Just what Kelly Ripa needs: another television show.

• I bet Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson have really deep pillow talk. “I know many consider Thus Spoke Zarathustra to be Nietzsche’s most important work, Jess, but I’ve personally always felt it to be Ecce Homo, with it’s ultimate emphasis on transvaluation.” “I concur, Dane. So very heartily.”
• Sigourney Weaver injures her knee on a trampoline while filming a movie. “You have to learn what not to do with your knees,” says the actress, ostensibly to Lindsay Lohan.

I don’t know where or how Defamer found this clip, but if anyone knows where I can find the Saved by the Bell episode where there’s a “roach” in the boys locker room, I can die happy.

This sound clip made the Internet rounds awhile back, but a friend sent it to me again today, and I thought it worthy of posting here. You may not want to listen to it at work — you’ll probably laugh out loud.