• Avril Lavigne spits at photogs at her 8th 22nd birthday celebration.
• Ivanka Trump may be the new face of Tiffany & Co.
• Jessica Simpson is not in a very good mood lately. [The link also includes a video of Ashlee performing -- to rave reviews -- in Chicago...possibly a source of big sis' jealousy...er...grumpiness?]
• Is Arizona the new Hollywood? Because I can assure you that Janet Napolitano was at no point Miss Universe.
• Hey, Jenny McCarthy, we can handle pictures of you sitting on the toilet, we can stomach the fart jokes, and we’re okay with all the very grossest details of pregnancy, but do you really have to talk about sex with Jim Carrey?
• Yom Kippur is fast approaching, and you can stop kidding yourself. You may be taking the day off, but you are sooo not going to be in temple, unless you consider the matinee of Jackass: Number Two your religious headquarters. So, call Stephen Colbert at 1-800-OOPS-JEW, and atone for your sins, heathen.

Star magazine reports that Anna Nicole Smith married her lawyer and constant companion, Howard K. Stern, in the Bahamas on Thursday morning. The ceremony took place on a yacht off the coast of Nassau, and Anna Nicole wore a pink bikini for the event.

Update: According to Perez, this quickie marriage may be an attempt to prevent a paternity suit by Larry Birkhead, a former fling of Anna’s who is claiming to be the father of the baby. Perez’s source says:

“I am positive that the reason they got married is because under the family law in the Bahamas, if a person marries the mother AFTER birth of the child AND acknowledges he is the natural father (which Howard Stern did on the Larry King show) — he is presumed under their laws to be the father of the child.”

In effect, this prevents Birkhead from filing a paternity suit and from insisting on a DNA test. Smith recently became a legal resident of the Bahamas.

This just keeps getting stranger.

Posting will resume this evening. Until then, check out My Evil Cohorts, or come be my friend on mySpace.

- The Beet

Cyril Wecht — the man who single-handedly taught a nation what “pathologist” means — announced Wednesday that Anna Nicole Smith’s son Daniel died from a combination of methadone, Zoloft and Lexapro.

The Zoloft and Lexapro are commonly prescribed for depression — a disease from which Daniel reportedly suffered — but they’re from the same class of drugs, and it would be unusual for them to be prescribed for concurrent use. Methadone is an opiate sometimes used to treat chronic pain in cancer patients and the like, but it is more often used by recovering heroin addicts. Or 20-year-old kids who figure that, if they mix it with a bunch of depression meds, they’ll catch a killer buzz, or at least be able to dull whatever pain comes along with a Daniel Smith childhood and genetic framework.

So that’s the shocking conclusion: drug overdose, probably accidental. It’s in all respects a tragedy, but I hope that, with the level of publicity this story’s received, someone somewhere will think twice before they try the same thing, and some good can come of all this.

Watch it here!

A lovely quote from Screech himself:

“If you freeze-frame right at the blue jelly double-cock, um, I believe there’s poop on the end of it…I can’t wait to see what Mark [I assume -Paul Gosselaar] does to top this. He won’t be able to come close, I’m sure, because poop was involved in mine.”

I’m sure Mark-Paul Gosselaar is thrilled beyond words to know that he is referenced in Dustin Diamond’s scat-tastic sex tape.

Also, the kids at Best Week Ever have put together this list of other Screech sex moves you might want to try with your partner(s). An excerpt, if I may:

The Dick Belding: In which one performs a series of generally vile sex acts until their partner is forced to finally turn around and say, “Hey hey hey, what is going on here?”

“Your research in phytoplankton ecology intrigues me, and I’d love to learn more about it. I have always been interested in harmful algal blooms.”

From my sister’s letter of introduction to a university professor whom she hopes will sponsor her as a Ph.D. candidate in marine biology.

It’s so true. Back when we were little kids, I always wanted to dress up Barbies and ride bikes and play M.A.S.H, but all she ever wanted to do was play with harmful algal blooms. It was a real point of contention with the folks.