The Hills’ Lauren “L.C.” Conrad and her boyfriend, goofy-lookin’ Jason Wahler, had the good sense to end their relationship just as filming for the show had gone on hiatus, sending film crews scrambling to catch the drama they’d been waiting around to catch for the past six months. Production staff are depressed in part because their summer vacation ended practically before it started, but mostly that a 20-year-old FIDM student from Laguna Beach has the power to do that to them simply by dumping her boyfriend.

So Gawker’s been pushing this thing like it’s crack on a playground, but it really is a must-read, so I’m going to cave and link to it, too. It’s from Esquire’s “What it Feels Like…” series, but this one is special, because the full title is “What it Feels Like…To Have Two Vaginas.” Yes, yes, you should read it.

Am I the only writer in the blogosphere more interested in the “Simpsons Strike Back at Dad” headline? Images of Jessica and Ashlee in super-cute guerilla gear, storming the Joe Simpson compound with M-16s and grenades, demanding the prompt return of their innocence, reputations, original noses, and chances of ever having a healthy relationship with a man?

But, alas, the blogosphere is abuzz with this news; it’s likely that the only person on the planet more apathetic than I toward the looming Vaughniston alliance is Brad Pitt.

Hey, Brad, if you’re reading this, you should totally come over tonight. We don’t have to do this alone. We can wade through our Vaughniston ennui hand-in-hand. I have whipped cream and a cat you can call Maddox. Just say you’ll think about it.

Update: Jen’s rep says it’s not true. You know, this is really the bloggers’ fault. If we would only buzz about Us Weekly every day enthusiastically no matter what forever and ever amen, they wouldn’t have to do this sort of thing to us. Jesus. Now wash up the blood, sweetie, and start dinner. That’s a good girl.

Brad: I still have the whipped cream and the cat. Let’s not allow this shocking turn of events to spoil our dreams. Call me.

To the utter surprise of absolutely no one, super-skinny mega-tattooed rockstar Travis Barker filed for divorce this morning from his wife of two years, the ever- heavier and less-employed former Miss USA/Playboy eagle-spreader Shanna Moakler (I know, I know, she just had a kid, leave her alone, but this isn’t fucking therapy, it’s a gossip blog, and the girl has been large lately, and you noticed, too).

Memorandum

To: Celebrity couples
From: The Evil Beet
Re: Tips for a successful marriage

Hey! Celebrity couples! A few pointers from your friend the EB:

1) Not everything has to be so extreme. When the theme of your wedding is Nightmare Before Christmas and then you go and name your daughter Alabama, you become irreconcilable even as caricatures. Where in there is a marriage supposed to fit?

2) Pass on the MTV series.

3) No, really, pass on the MTV series.

4) Other misguided labels for progeny: Sailor, Apple, Suri.

5) No, you can’t take the VH1 series either. If they have headquarters in Santa Monica, you probably shouldn’t let them film in your bedroom. (This is really a good rule of thumb for anyone trying to make it in Los Angeles.)

All my best,
EB

Update: In sorta related news, Kristy Swanson admits she’s pregnant, which is really, really good, because last time I saw a picture of her I was like “holy sweet Jesus, when did Buffy get so fat??” Seriously, I have no idea what this Skating with Celebrities business is all about; Kristy Swanson will always be the one and only Buffy in my mind.

If I had been drinking milk when I first read this headline (I never drink milk; I am lactose intolerant; but still), it would have come straight out my nose.

But wait! It’s not over yet!

“I’ve been trying to go to Iraq with Hillary Clinton for so long,” says Lohan. “Hillary was trying to work it out, but it seemed too dangerous.”

That sound you hear? Is your reality shifting. Give it a minute to settle. Take a deep breath. Clean up the snot-milk.

And we’re not even halfway through our exploration of the cornucopia of stupid that is the interview she gave to People Elle magazine. Ready for more?

“I wanted to do what Marilyn Monroe did (during the Korean War), when she went and just set up a stage and did a concert for the troops all by herself. It’s so amazing seeing that one woman just going somewhere, this beautiful sex kitten, who’s basically a pinup, which is what I’ve always aspired to be.”

Let’s put that in black-and-white, Linds. Let’s set aside all those critics who are amazed, time and time again, that despite the cocaine-induced “dehydration” and the anorexia and the starlet-celebutante in-fighting, you put out extraordinary on-camera performances every single time you’re cast in anything, and let’s make sure it is absolutely clear that what you have always wanted to be is not an acclaimed actress, but rather a pinup. Okay. Phew.

BUT SHE’S NOT DONE YET, KIDS!

Is the delicate beauty afraid of going to Iraq?

Of course not. She’ll have a gun.

“I’m not afraid of going. My security guard is going to take me to a gun range when I get back to L.A., and I’m going to start taking shooting lessons.”

There are some more little gems in there, but don’t waste too much of your time reading them, because Lindsay admits that sometimes she will tell reporters “things that aren’t true … just because it’s fun.” Like when she later told the People reporter that she doesn’t blow coke.

Perhaps Colin Farrell missed the luck of the Irish in one key area. Angelique Jerome, who claims to have had a multi-hour affair with Farrell in London last month, tells London’s Sunday Mirror that “he has a great body and a charm that any woman would kill for. But he’s all talk. Between the sheets, he is a letdown with only half a baguette in his lunchbox, if you know what I mean.”

Ouch.

[Rush & Molloy]

Update: US Weekly’s blog ran this item with the headline “Colin Farrell’s Man-Loaf Not Up to Size,” for which they should win some manner of prize.